you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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