your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
