So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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