I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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