you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
BRING THE BAGELS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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