his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
