I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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