I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Can Purell be used as lube?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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