I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
