I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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