Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
