I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
