you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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