I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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