i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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