nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
nutella sex= disaster
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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