apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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