Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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