woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
