i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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