Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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