It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I love having hate sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
