help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I need to stop coming to work sober
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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