we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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