i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Rumble strips road head = magical
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
