Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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