I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
