i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
