we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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