Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
