Redeem this text for a blowjob
they're like a gay fantastic four
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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