if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
