I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
