there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
