i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
