he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
