carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
