I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
