I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
