Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
