You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
