Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The power of my boobs compel you
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
