A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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