forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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