i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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