You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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