PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
