I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She announced her abortion via fbk
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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