We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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