Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
