My first STD was from a foam party
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
