You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
